Detention

Oh how nice it would be to be able to do this to just a few kids.

Wardrobe

It's getting close to that time where I have to wake up, dig through my closet of dryer laden wrinkled polos and get ready for school.  If I only had it as easy as Stickman with nothing to worry about on a daily basis.  It would be cool to have no worries, but I'm thinking of just how much money I would be saving in clothes.  Not so much for me, but with the three woman with an insatiable appetite for fashion.

New Job

Being a school teacher, we should have more training for non-academia students.  Our technical training jobs and service/maintance jobs should be more readily available to our students who know they don't want to go to college, but also don't want to have to depend on the gov'ts assistance either.  We need to get our heads out of our asses and start thinking about something other than high stakes test scores.  Who knows you could end up like poor stickman.

Creation

Creation is a tough concept to wrap my mind around, so I don't.  I try not to think about what came first: the chicken or the egg.  I don't look at the television and say, "Boy, I wonder how that works."  But I do wonder how the telephone works.  It's amazing that we can dial a number and within seconds be talking to someone a thousand miles away.  That's crazy!

Apocalypse Now

The Mayan Calendar is drawing nearer to the year 2012.  Has anyone ever thought that they just decided to stop writing down dates?  If you look on the back of a check register it only shows around ten years.  Do you think if our civilization crumbled and a scientist found it 500 yrs from now they would think that our life cycle was 10 yrs?  The world's end isn't near, but our end is always just a breath away.  Enjoy the day, laugh with your friends, and hug the ones you love; but don't become hyper-focused on the negative aspects of our crazy lives.

Blockbuster Movie Poster

I used to love going to the movies.  The mouth watering smell of popcorn, the great view from the mammoth sized screen, and the serene quiet are all reasons for my love.  Now that my wonderful kids rule my life, I rarely see a movie over the rating PG.  Even though I do love the children's flicks, I am in desperate need to go see a movie with my wife, or friends without my kids.  Popcorn, mmmmmmmmmm!

DOWN THE DRAIN

This is for my sister who tried to drown me as a child.  My mom thought it was a good idea to make a 4 yr old bathe with his 12 yr old sister.  I should also note that she hated me. She enjoyed being an only child and all I wanted was to hang out with her every second of every day.  Soooooo, she would SWOOSH me in the tub.  I thought it was supposed to be fun, when in actuality she was trying to drown me.  We get along great now, but when my two girls ask to bathe together they get a definite, "NO!"

Bodybuilding

When working out be healthy not stupid.  For a long time, I looked healthy but I was stupid.  Now I can barely lift my arms over my head, and if I fall asleep on my arm, I can' move it for a week.  My wife loves to hear me moan and complain throughout a movie, or crack my bone-on-bone shoulders, knees, and ankles.  Anything done is moderation is okay, and even looking like Stickman is okay as long as you can live with it.

Just Married

It's wedding season hooray! Getting dressed up, sitting through the vows, shaking hands with strangers, and then....FREE FOOD AND DRINKS! Beware those of you who are getting married though: You have no idea what you are marrying into. Yes, things seem fine now with your spouses family, but wait until that golden cylinder slides across that finger. The in-laws now have free reign to mettle, butt-in, mouch, come over, and every other intrusive thing you would never think that a person would ever bother with. Luckily my in-laws are cool as crap, but you may not be so lucky just like stickman.

CARPE DIEM

Carpe diem means "seize the day" and each of us should live each day like crazy. When we are young we feel like nothing can stop us and we will live virtually forever, but I'm here to tell you that I have no idea where the past 15 years went. I remember graduating high school, and then I woke up a 34 yr old married, two kid, two car, occupation slave. And by slave, I mean that everything I do, I do for my kids and wife because they are best thing that has ever happened to me. Even though I feel age creeping in on me faster than a blind man falling off a cliff I relish the opportunity of growing old and realizing that I must enjoy it all.

baseball

Baseball is a great sport, but such a downer on the ego. Succeeding only 30 percent of the time is horrible in anything else in life except when batting. If you only answered 30 percent of your test questions correctly your parents would've beaten your butt. When at work if you messed up 70 percent of the time, you would be fired. But in baseball if you get a hit three out of ten times, you recieve a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract. Just doesn't seem right does it? (CAN YOU NOTICE THE HINT OF JEALOUSLY)

trading places

The magical genie of the lamp scenario has crossed the minds of everyone in the world, and no one could convince me otherwise. Rubbing that bottle, being granted three wishes, and living a carefree life is a whimsical and farfetched idea, but a it sure is a good one. I have no idea what I would wish for, but giving my luck everything that I would wish for would be misconstrued and I'd end up on the face of the dollar bill, held by a hobo who is sticking me in the rear end of a sweaty fat stripper. When in fact I wished to 1) made of money 2) live a carefree life 3) and swallowed my women.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

DIRECTIONS

I would rather drive 30 miles in the wrong direction in a snowstorm than stop and ask for directions. My wife, on the other hand, would rather call me and complain about how terrible my directions are, or how Google must've not updated their mapquest. She once called me, told me she was lost, and when I asked her to tell me a landmark, she said, "Some powerlines, and a dirt road."
Little word to the wise: When travelling, powerlines and dirtroads are the greatest of landmarks.
Look don't be a jackleg like me. Stop and get directions, or be smart enough to follow the blue line on your smart phone.

Swamp People

For everyone who might happen to see this: I live about a half hour from where this show is filmed and I don't sound, act, or drive a boat to work like the characters do on Swamp People. They are just a bit of our diverse culture in Louisiana. Those guys work hard for a living but the rest of our state shouldn't be pigeonholed into that same stereotype. Personally, I'm scared to death of alligators, and wouldn't want to be anywhere near one of those things. But after a month of teaching at the school I work at, I say the same thing about my students!
WE DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND OTHER CULTURES BUT WE SHOULD RESPECT THEM.

exercise

I can't stand up straight and touch my toes, so I've never been dumb enough to try a yoga session. But instead, I go eat yogurt because when I hear the word yoga it reminds me of yogurt. I guess to each their own. Happy exercising or happy eating, they both release endorphins so you have no choice to be happy.

DREAMS

I dream a lot! Some of which are the craziest, most maniacal, Stephen King wake-up sweating and just plain happy to be out of that nightmare. Others are just images from the day, or visions from the past, or dreams of my family, both present and past. Just remember that dreams are manifestations of our reality and they are just a way for your brain to process all the crap that happens to us on a daily basis.

So next time Godzilla is chasing you, while you are already an hour late for your last final exam, and you have to pee really really bad, and that you are running on wooden legs just remember to WAKE-UP!
It was only a dream....or was it?

I'm Adopted?

My sister used to tell me on a daily basis that I was adopted. I didn't know any better because she was eight years older than me. She would wait until no one was around to remind me of this so I would cry and pout.

In the end, my parents finally informed her she was adopted, and that made much more sense to me, and I laughed and laughed and laughed! Well that's not entirely true, she wasn't adopted, but they did love me more!

Golf

Golf is a wonderful sport, but it's harder than any other sport I've ever tried; except underwater basket-weaving. I appreciate the abilities of the players on the PGA so much more now that I've tried my hand at that sport which caused me to be a foul mouthed demon. In all actuality, who has the time to spend countless hours at the driving range, more tedious time on the putting green, thousands of dollars on clubs and funny looking pants, and most importantly listening to your spouse ranting about all of it.

WSOP

A friend of mine is playing in the WSOP Main Event this week and I want to wish him good luck, and I created this cartoon a while ago, but I repost it every year in hopes of one day being allowed to play in at least one event. My wife hasn't, or maybe never will, allocate thousands of dollars from our meager budget for the slight chance of winning a bucket load of money. So until then, I'll cheer for my buddy, and I'll continue to write and draw until the day comes when I can actually afford to play in one of these events!
Good luck everyone, especially Clint.

Breakdancing

Two things I never could really do was hold a tune or dance. I grew up in the mid-eighties when breakdancing was in full effect. I wanted so bad to be able to do the moves I saw on MTV, "Electricboogaloo" and "Breakin" but the good Lord decided to let me make a fool of myself instead. More times than I would like to remember, my sister (8 yrs my elder) would call me into the room with her friends and tell me to do the worm. Naturally, like the idiot I was, I would jump on the floor and nearly brush-burn myself to death. All the while listening to my sister and her friends bellowing with laughter at my lunacy. We laugh about it now, but my grandmother would eventually storm into the room and say, "Now Michelle, that dollbaby doesn't know that he's hurting himself, and you should be ashamed of yourself." Obviously she never was, and til this day, I still don't know when I'm hurting myself. THANKS SIS!

Recession Sucks

Economist are saying that we are slowly showing signs of crawling out of our economic recession. My question to that is, "Would the common citizen know we were in a recession if the media didn't tell us(scare us) all day long?" The economy is doing fine, then all of a sudden every major industry in the world needs tens of billions of dollars. Well, enough of the soap box from me, but the recession has hit Stickland, but, like us, they have found ways to cut corners and survive. By the way, if Congress is still giving out money recklessly, I'm sure you guys know where to find me.

Road Trip

Without a doubt, once in every person's life, they have heard the dreaded words of an adult say, "Don't make me pull this car over!" I laugh at the thought of my grandmother uttering those words on more than one occasion but never once stopping because it would have killed our destination time. Being the great old grandmother that she was, she never once pulled over. There was a time that it almost happened. It was my senior year in high school. I was playing varsity basketball and one of my best friend's dad was transporting us to the game in their van. We were cutting up, as usual, and after repeated pleading and yelling from Mr. W, he swivels his head to the back of the van while speeding at a robust 50 mph on the interstate and screams to four seventeen year old seniors, "Don't make me pull off my belt and pull this van over." My buddy Travis and I started laughing hysterically. The thought of Mr. W pulling that van over and attempting to spank us still resonates in my head every so often. Thanks for the memories and that story will be told for years on end.

Are We Equal?

Take this for what it's worth. Man has contemplated equality for centuries. If you were to ask a group of 5 yr olds if they were all equal, they would respond with crazy notions such as:No, I'm a boy and she's a girl, I'm nice and she's mean. Their image of equality has nothing to do with race or material things, just boy/girl, nice/mean. Ask those same children 9 years later and their aspect of equality will change drastically. No more boy/girl, but rather rich/poor, and cute/ugly. The sad notion comes when asked in early adulthood. Are we equal? The answers among friends is the truth and the answer among co-workers and strangers are totally different. We are all the same and all very different at the same time, but treating each other with respect and disregarding our natural biases is what it really takes for each to be equal.

Area 51

We would be rather egocentric to believe that we are the only life forms in the world. And if you read the newspaper or watch the evening news, it's probably safe to say; we are the dumbest life forms in the world. We have a wealth of knowledge at our hands and are forever using it in the wrong ways. There was a National Geographic Magazine dated 1969 that detailed the horrors of Global Warming and what would happen in the next 20 years if proper precautions weren't taken. Guess what, little precautions, major Global Warming! I figure, it's just a matter of time before those aliens decide we have contaminated and ruined our planet before they sweep in like locust, place us in cages and a real life "Planet of the Apes" ensues. Well, looking at the bright side of things; at least they'll feed us and we won't have to worry about Social Security anymore. Those bright lights aren't your imagination alien seekers. Keep searching because Area 51 is no myth.

Life is full of choices

Life is all about choices, but as a parent, I don't know how I would take this. I am a rather open-minded person, but I don't want my little kids to show up in cross-gender clothing. Kids are going to make their own choices as they get older. I just hope that I have done my job in preparing them for the rough outside world from Daddy. If they do happen to make a wrong choice, then I'll just keep them chained in the attic next to the three little dead squirrels I found up there a few months ago. After a little hard love, they'll realize what the right choices in life are.

Why Can't We Make You Happy?

You are not going to make them happy no matter how much you try. Whether it be your husband or wife, when you try to make concessions due to money, someone is going to be disappointed. The only time you won't get in trouble when making concessions is when you go get a diet drink and hotdog at the concession stand. Stick to what they like and don't stray from the norm. But if you do decide to venture into the unknown and things go awry; I believe Bobby McFerrin said it best, "Don't Worry Be Happy!"

The Line-Up

Directions aren't put on a paper for the fun of it. They are there for us to read and follow the pattern to put something together. It is very specific and to the point. It tries to leave little guess work and allows the user a relatively simple procedure. With that being said, my first year teaching I gave a final exam of 150 questions and the directions at the top of the page said put your name on the Scantron and turn it in. Most, disregarding the instructions as usual, took the entire test while I sat there and laughed. Moral of the story:Don't get caught standing in a police line-up!

Weather the Storm

No cute words of wisdom here. Men be nice and kind, sweet and loving, helpful and apologetic, and whatever else she wants you to do! Yes, even if you don't want to! Or this could possibly happen to you.

stuck like that

We have all done things in our lives that we look back on and think, "Man was that stupid." Now that I'm a parent, I see my two little girls doing the same hair-brained things that I used to do. I'm laughing on the inside, but my stern, mad as hell exterior tells a different story. Most times all I can say is, "When did that ever seem like a good idea?" I love my kids, but I love the fact that I survived all those dumb things, in order to laugh and enjoy watching my kids suffer through the same trials and errors. Love your kids, show them you care, discipline when necessary, and the rewards will come back to you exponentionally.

NFL Commissioner

Tax Reform

snow globe

With Christmas fast approaching and the blustery days of winter on our tails, I always wondered what it would be like to live in a snow globe. My mother never let me play with the globes at our house. Mainly because I was a spaz and would break most things I touched. But just think, it would always be a white Christmas and you could sing, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow," all year round. Well, don't spend too much money and enjoy the reason for the season.

Rod Ryan 104.1

Most morning shows make me change the channel faster than a horror villian chasing a stumbling blond in the woods, but finally I've found the one. I listen to 104.1 The Rock of New Orleans and the Rod Ryan show. I'm a fanatic for stats and I can rest assured that every morning I'm going to hear something like: 78% of men over the age of 25 who drive Pick-up trucks really do prefer boxers over briefs in the winter months, buy only 62.33% of those same men prefer them in the summer. Now that's stuff I like to know. His guest rock and he's not afraid to speak his mind (karrine steffans) if there is a dis needed. Humble but hard; well-spoken yet real But what I really dig about the show is that it's geared with his type of listeners in mind. Rarely do I ever hear them stop themselves from throwing out an explicitive here or there and very often I enjoy by "Tubesday" just by tuning in. I'm not on anyone's nuts but The Rod Ryan Show with his other STARS Theresa, Mark, and Jessica are a dial keeper on an otherwise S-L-O-W morning show day.